As a college student, you are in a perfect spot for facing conflict on campus. Relationally, you'll be entering some of the most intense personal and romantic relationships of your life, not to mention separating from your parents and high school friends. And cognitively and emotionally, you're not quite fully equipped for conflict, as your prefrontal cortex—the area of the brain responsible for problem-solving, foreseeing consequences of behavior, and modulating emotions—isn't fully formed and functional until you turn 25!
So how can a cortex-impaired, relationship rookie navigate the many inevitable new conflicts they will face with parents, professors, significant others, and new friends? Our research on conflict and decision-making has shown that the following five questions—in this sequence of importance—can make all the difference in your life.
1. How important is this conflict?
There is no point in engaging in conflict if you have nothing to gain. You have to want something from it: A fair grade, respect, justice, understanding, or meaningful conversation. You must want something. Without a goal, conflict is just an idle argument with a lot of ego or noise to back it up. Don't go into an argument only with the focus of wanting to win. Clarifying your goal in a specific situation is the first step.
Related: How to Set Boundaries and Resolve Conflicts With Your New Roommate
2. How important is the other person to me?
So you're disagreeing with someone, maybe a peer, a professor, or your new roommate. How much do you need this person in this specific circumstance? Do you want to maintain or enhance this relationship going forward? Can you walk away from this situation without consequence? If you do not need to remain in this relationship (for example a one-time encounter with a stranger), there is little point in engaging in conflict. Why expend the energy and angst? Conflict engagement is best reserved for situations where you need the other person and need them to better understand you. If you don’t, you can sidestep the disagreement and pursue your goals independently.
3. Is the other party with me, against me, or both?
Part of effectively dealing with conflict is figuring out which side of the argument all involved parties are on. Are they on your side and share your goals and concerns? Can you trust them to help you or are they likely to harm you? In other words, are there grounds for cooperation within this conflict? Or is this a purely competitive conflict where you have to play hard and play smart to win? It could be some combination of both, but asking these clarifying questions can help you get to the root of the problem and start formulating a strategy.
4. Am I more powerful, less powerful, or equal to the other party?
Does the person you have a conflict with have real authority over you? Do you have power over them? When you're equals, a simple but crucial conversation may suffice: establish safety, talk it out, resolve it, done. But if you have more power or less, it will take additional skills to get to the real issues and achieve your goals. If you have less power, you risk overstepping your bounds or inviting abuse. If you have more power, you risk eliciting dishonesty or sabotage from the other disputant. Ignoring power differences and lacking a strategy for them isn't helpful and will result in a lack of conflict resolution.
5. What strategy fits this current situation?
Once you answer the first four questions, you are ready for the big decision: what should you do? Conflict situations are addressed most effectively when the strategy fits the specific situation. New research has revealed a menu of effective options for making conflict work, namely, by employing pragmatic benevolence, cultivated support, constructive dominance, strategic appeasement, selective autonomy, or principled rebellion. The key is in knowing when and how to employ each.
Related: Good Vibes Only: How to Avoid Fighting With Your Roommate
The older you get the more likely you are the face conflict in some capacity, but it shouldn't scare you. With the right tools under your belt, you can navigate difficult conversations with grace while also making your opinions heard and being understood by the other parties involved. Before diving headlong into conflicts as a college student, use these five questions to guide you to more sound decision-making. Determine the importance of the conflict, find your strategy, take the other person's thoughts into account, and you'll do just fine.
Visit MakingConflictWork.com to learn more and acquire a copy of Coleman and Ferguson's book, or check out the tag "conflict" on CollegeXpress for advice on everything from roommate communication to politics.
